The Beaufort Scale of Fire-Ups

0 Perfect Ringing Complete absence of any fire up whatsoever.
1 Mild Inaccuracies Slight furrowing of face of the Conductor’s brow. Conductor says “Keep them moving”.
2 Small Trip Frown on face of Conductor. Conductor says “Come along now”.
3 Bigger Trip Conductor begins to glare. Conductor says “Finnish it” quite loudly.
4 Light crunching
involving 2 or more bells
Conductor begins to go red. May shout “Paul” or some other band member’s name.
5 Heavier crunching
involving 3 or more bells
One end of change begins to disappear. Conductor begins to stamp foot and shout coursing order. Conductor now crimson.
6 Full crunching
involving at least half the band
First bell on wrong stroke. Conductor now purple with vein standing out on forehead. First obscenity uttered. Light damage to composition.
7 Light Firing Half the band now striking at once. At least 2 bells on the wrong stroke. Conductor now doing full Morris dancing / village idiot impression. Instructions now incoherent.
8 Heavy Firing Most of the band now striking together. At least 3 bells on the wrong stroke. Ringing now beyond engineering capabilities of Conductor. Structural damage to composition.
9 Storm Force Firing All but one band member now striking together (called a “Whoomph Ping”). At least half the band on the wrong stroke. Terminal damage to composition.
10 Heavy Storm Force Firing Near total absence of striking. A “wall of ropes”. Conductor considers saying “Stand”.
11 Hurricane Force Firing Complete absence of striking whatsoever. Conductor says “Stand”, grudgingly.

The Peal Pixie

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